I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
