her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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