i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
