last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
