every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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