your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
