I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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