I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
