Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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