On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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