I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
