my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
