4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
