In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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