Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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