I look better un-naked...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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