Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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