Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
