he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
