I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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