I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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