Your mouth is God's brothel.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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