Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
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Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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