tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
