I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
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then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
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Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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