I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
