Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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