I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
