I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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