My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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