I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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