Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We left the knife in your bed.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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