Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
