Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
