Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
