please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
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is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
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I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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