I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
