So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
