Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
