we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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