Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
