i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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