i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
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