She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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