Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I checked into jail on foursquare
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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