i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
