after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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