the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
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I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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