I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
