I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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