Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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