dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
