my phone needs a breathalizer
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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