If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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