My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He? As in you personified your dick?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
