my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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