I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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